
Saturday, July 30, 2005
This will be a long personal post. If u do not have the time, I'd suggest u read it later, or please skip it.
I first noticed Ambrose as a cool guy who sometimes came late for lectures, strutting up the stairs, with his billabong bag lowly strapped from his back. You couldn't classify him really as an Ah Beng, because he always wore beach colours. The other striking part of his profile was the pick-cap that he wore to cover his slovenly long dyed orange-brown hair. I never really knew much about him, but I always noticed him. It wasn't until earlier this year that I had the opportunity to work with him as lab-mates on the same bench for one of our experimental life science modules. It was there that I learnt that he was pretty much the same person that I was, shy, lame, crazy-about-anime, active whenever it came to sports. He was someone I was 100% sure I could always speak to. I didn't even have to make the effort to find his frequency. I guess he more or less also felt that we could relate to each other. But as with most of my friends or brief aquantainces I've met in NUS, every promise I made to keep in contact fell through. The trips to orchard for shopping and getting to know more gals were never really remembered. It was always " Oh sorry, I was so busy." Some of you might recall from the message centre that I learnt from a third party that Ambrose developed liver cancer- I doubted that. I was even telling Johan at Church today that I feared he may be pranking. After all, he was one of the more fun-loving guys around who was able to poke fun, and joke all the times. He was so smooth, he could always make any gal smile. I spent the whole of today exchanging "discrete" sms trying to ask him how he was without mentioning anything about dying or cancer. I asked him about how the op was, when he had the op and so on.
The final bombshell came when I decided to call him at around 9 plus just now. It was probably only the second phone call I had made in my 6 months plus of knowing him. He never sounded like he was dying at all, he was speaking as his old jovial self, playing Warcraft 3 on the other side of the phone. No, I never dished out the "Oh, let me save your soul, please come to church mantra", I was trying and yearning to find out more about what he truely felt. It turns out that it probably started long ago, when he was always complaining about gastric pains. As it turns out, one day the pain was so terrible, he had to go see the doctor. It was through several check-ups that they found that he probably had liver cancer. He said it was probably about 80% or 90% cancerous since the doctors had already been able to pick up traces in his blood. He went for an op to remove 20% of his liver last wednesday. In his words, when I complained of a bored life ( trying to sound cheery and un-sad) he replied in his usual singlish--"I'm trying to get a live man! I thought I almost died. So I have to have a change of mindset. Other things are more important now."
It wasn't the kind of telephone conversation you'd expect if you were speaking to a dying friend. But I thank God he still was his usual self (at least from the way he spoke and sounded)
It's not that i dunno why it happened. It isn't that I'm unhappy that the Lord has decided that he should get cancer. I'm still even trying to convince he may be ok since cancer was one of the most unpredictable "diseases". Isn't it ironic, dun you think? A little too ironic, when both of us young lads, were doing the same course in uni together, a course that is focused on better life, better living, with one of the main focus being cancer, and cancer treatments?
It sure hurts. It sure is painful, even when we were only mostly classmates most of the time. It hurts so much because I felt I should have spent more time with him- I've always been telling myself, I've got a lifetime ahead to get to know this person, and always push off their appointments for the sake of my worldly pursuits. I could have gotten to know him better and deeper an extra 6 months. I could have played soccer with him during this May, June, July holidays. I didn't. And now I'm feeling helpless. It's just too shocking as well. Because I know, that most likely he's gonna die, that nothing else, but only God's miracle can prevent him from leaving this world for the next. ( For those of u who know, cancer becomes lethal when it starts spreading. It's already going around in his blood. Survival chance becomes 20% and lower) It's really hard for me to accept this harsh reality-- He's the active guy, nice chap with a good way of humouring people, humble about himself, mostly just loud in his own way. And he always looked healthy!
So what now? I'm done with the crying--All my life I've been hearing news of people I do not know directly dying of cancer. I'd never thought or expected it would struck any friend I knew.
What can I do for him? It's not like I can get to meet someone in life as Ambrose as he is. Will I miss him when he's gone? I already felt like I lost him liao. How do I go about it so that he can still hold his head up high and not feel that it's pity I'm dispensing. Will he accept the Lord as his saviour? What's on his mind now? For the some of you that may not have gone through what i'm writing about now--- i tell u now, there are just so many "I wish I could have" thoughts in my mind now.
Please pray for him. Pray that the semester he's skipping for this 6 months, won't be his last 6 months. Pray that God forgives his sexual sins (yes, he's slept around, I ain't afraid to reveal that, it's true that it happens in uni). PLease pray for me as well, so that I've the discipline to manage my time as effectively as possible so that I can make the time to see him. Please pray that I stay loyal as a friend to him and not just ignore or drown out the sorrow through ignorance. Please pray that I remember this dear friend of mine whenever I'm wasting time. I wish to be able to step in his home and at least go visit him now. Please pray that God gives me a way to do that. You know people can get sensitive about these things. Right now, I just wanna let him stay comfortable about where he is now, that it isn't just sudden attention due to the bad news. I want to be his real friend and eventually introduce him and tell him that there is hope beyond death and pain. That parting in this world isn't absolute. Please pray that I die die how bz also not forget about his guy and stick to helping him start to LIVE! AMEN. I dunno how this is all going to happen. I have not done this before. I suck at my studies. I suck at my homework. and I dun drive!
Thanks for taking the time to share this burden with me. I really dunno what to do. I dun think my parents would understand it fully either. This isn't a crusade either. I guess maybe God wants to teach me what being a real friend means.. maybe.. just maybe.
~ Ray.
9:54 PM
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